Have you ever walked into a room and felt off? You can’t put your finger on it, but something is different. Maybe something has moved; a vase two centimetres to the left, or the TV remote from the armchair to the mantel. You can’t pinpoint what exactly, but something feels out of place. Even as you sit down to watch the television or read a book, your eye can’t help but flit from corner to corner, endlessly searching for the offending object so you can put it right.
That’s what depression feels like to me. Controlled by medication, but always there in the back of my mind. I manage to carry out daily routines, but at the end of the day the misplaced vase becomes my focus once again. I feel out of place, but I can’t explain why.
I no longer have the crippling sadness that depression brought me before the medication. Before the medication, and for some time after, I struggled to get out of bed. I didn’t want to shower, and I rarely washed my hair. Did anyone care what I looked like? I certainly didn’t.
Now my depression manifests itself through a feeling of emptiness. Instead of feeling sadness, I don’t feel very much at all.
Are those my only options? Crippling sadness or emptiness?
I would love an explanation. I would love to push myself two centimetres to the right, back to my original place on the shelf.
I would love to hear if anyone else has experienced something similar while trying to tackle their depression. Let me know in the comments if you can relate!